Now more than ever, being made redundant is a tough number to deal with. Not least because there isn’t even any loo roll left to weep into. (Thanks stockpilers.) Still, we’ve got some pretty nifty tricks to help your CV get you noticed. We can’t, however, be held responsible for any dour interviews you might have to attend.
It Could Be Worse, It Could Be Butlin’s
Let’s face it, you’ve just been handed the Get Out of Jail card. You actively despised your last job, the only person who spoke to you was Pervy Pete and now you’ve just been given a wedge of money to ensure you never come back. You could say someone has been watching over you. But then again, that was probably just Pervy Pete.
Your next step is to spend your redundancy dosh on an all-inclusive weekend to Butlin’s. What’s more motivational to get you thinking about what you really, really want to do with your future than realising you could end up being a Redcoat singing to The Spice Girls all day? Will you need to retrain? Would you be happy to move location? Can you do some online courses? Get your pen out, make a list and then make a bolt for the nearest exit.
You’ve just survived lockdown cooped up in a flat no bigger than a rabbit hutch with Very Irritating Paula. If you can do that, you can do anything. So next time you feel a bit down about the job loss, we implore you think of these things: Pervy Pete, unpaid overtime, the rubbish commute, bad pay and tedious tasks. Then smile a while, take a deep breath and think positively. Before coming to the realisation that all those God-awful points are waiting for you at your next post.
Sponge Bob Square Pants
So far, your list of future jobs consists of Astronaut; Chocolate Taster in Chief; Prime Minister; and Sponge Bob Square Pants. As you can see, you’ll need to make a few tweaks to your CV to tailor it for each application. Although admittedly, the PM and Sponge Bob Square Pants versions won’t be too dissimilar. Spend a while adding/removing skills to/from your resume and for God’s sake, remember to ‘Save As’ with a different file name. Now armed with a separate CV for each sector, you’ll realise how easily you can bluff the exact same skills. And with that talent, the job as Prime Minister is yours for the taking…
Horses for Courses
Before you blow all your redundancy money, it might be useful to check out some online courses to bolster your skills. Such as ‘Society, Science, Survival: Lessons from The Walking Dead’ or ‘Canine Theriogenology for Dog Enthusiasts’. Oh yes, they really do exist.
That’s A Mouthful
As you spend your last few quid munching on an unsatisfying takeaway, think of a plausible reason why you were made redundant and Clever Alice wasn’t. After all, you might well get asked it at your interview. While you might want to simply scream, “Mind your own business!” a smarter way is to use sesquipedalian (stupidly long) expressions the interviewer has never heard of to baffle them or as a tergiversation, prevarication or circumlocution – an ‘evasion of answers’ (see, we’re getting you on track for that job as PM). Just be sure to not use boondoggle because it means ‘work that you do just so that you look busy’ and pretty much the word to ensure you’ll never get hired again.
Sign Up, Sign Up
You might as well make use of your time by registering for every single job-related advert, newsletter and free training course that’s out there. After all, hearing your phone ping with endless, oh-my-God-these-emails-are-a-total-waste-of-time alerts, you’ll be on course for dealing with pointless emails from future colleagues.
Hit Up Your Contacts
No one really wants to feel used, so the best way to hit up contacts you haven’t spoken to for the past half decade, is to start commenting (nicely, of course) on some of their online posts. Use your Linked In, Facebook and Twitter accounts – find the people who might be able to help you get onto the career ladder again. Then when you get bored of Step 1, transition into Step 2: send them a message asking if they can help you out. Once you’ve got what you want, you can move to Step 3: ditching them again.
These tips are worth their weight in gold, but if it turns out for some reason they aren’t, I guess we might be joining you next month in the dole queue.